Shirtless and the Chocolate Factory
by forever-ever008
Summary: Shirtless, a poor boy from France, goes to the 5-W factory to have the time of his life. A parody of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that includes band camp, foosball, and a futuristic French Revolution.
1. Chapter 1: Shirtless

**Chapter One: Shirtless**

Once upon a time, in a place very far away, there lived a weird little boy named Shirtless. Shirtless got his name because, surprisingly enough, he was often without a shirt. When a shirt was in his vicinity, he defied all laws of normal shirt-wearing by tying the shirt around his neck, like a cape only not.

Shirtless was a poor little boy. His family lived in a tiny little hut in France, during the French Revolution*. It was freezing cold in the winter, boiling hot in the summer, and miserable the rest of the time. The rebels were always attacking. One day the rebels captured and killed Shirtless' little sister. Shirtless' older brother, who had always liked the sister better than Shirtless, killed himself tragically.

Poor Shirtless felt all alone. He consoled himself by walking around, being depressed, and playing the clarinet**. One day, Shirtless felt so sad over the deaths of his brother and sister that he decided he would kill himself too. _Anything must be better than this_, he thought. _Besides, maybe in heaven it won't be so freaking cold all the time!_

Shirtless had to travel ten miles, by foot, near rebel camps, to find the nearest bridge so he could jump off it. Twelve hours later, when he arrived at the bridge, he was having no second thoughts. He decided his parents could sell his clarinet and his bed to the rebels in exchange for more food for themselves. He bent his knees, poised to jump, when an odd, tinny electronic voice came down from the heavens.

"_Shirtless..." _cried the voice. "_Shirtless... do not kill yourself..."_

Shirtless freaked out. _This must be the voice of God, _he thought, and stepped back from the edge of the bridge hastily.

_"Shirtless..." _the voice repeated. "_Do not kill yourself. Go to band camp. There you will find your calling. I repeat... band camp. I command you, go._"

Without a second thought otherwise, Shirtless turned and ran back home. He had to get to band camp!

***This is not the French Revolution that overthrew the kings in the 1800s or whatever. This story is set in the future.**

****I know that Shirtless' parents are poor peasants and there's no way that they could afford for him to play the clarinet. But go along with it. :)**

**A/N: I know there's been to real mention of anything relating to the real Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... but hold on. That's coming.**


	2. Chapter 2: Band Camp

**Chapter Two: Band Camp**

Shirtless spent the next month trying to figure out how to get himself to band camp. His parents, although very pleased he had decided not to kill himself, were not very enthusiastic about the large sum of money it would cost to send him to camp. The amount of money they would save by only having one kid instead of three would only cover a third of the cost.

Shirtless decided to go to the nearest priest for help.

The priest, Joe Heavens, was a homeless old man. He often slept inside the church, which was currently only a tiny shack*. Joe H. was very interested in Shirtless' story, because Shirtless had been spoken to by God. He agreed to fund the rest of Shirtless' camp tuition on one account: Shirtless would have to provide Joe with a house of some sort.

Shirtless began forming a plan. He found some weeds in his garden that he recognized from biology class. They were _florus hypnosius_... drugs that could knock you out for days. Shirtless decided he would feed them to his parents, steal his parent's house, and give it to Joe. The plan worked until Shirtless got to the actual "stealing the house" part. He realized it was actually quite hard to dig up a house. Time was running out too; his parents were going to wake up at any moment. In desperation, he took an ax and chopped off half the house.

Shirtless gave it to Joe, who wasn't very happy about only getting half a house. However, a deal was a deal... so Shirtless got the money anyway.

* * *

Shirtless was trying to choose a camp to go to. He researched "band camps for children running away from french rebels" and Google came up with two results: Triplet Clouds Friends Camp and Triplet Clouds Enemy Camp, both near Miami**. Because Shirtless was a narcissistic weirdo, he chose the Enemy Camp.

The camp sent him a letter in the mail. Shirtless was so happy! It was the first time in seven years that Shirtless had gotten a real piece of mail. (Once the Rebellion had started, all of Shirtless' friends had become poor beggars and losers with no money to pay for stamps. Or paper.)

The letter required Shirtless to bring 10 pairs of pants, 10 shirts, a jacket, his instrument, a music stand, shoes, and lots of money to buy candy. Shirtless didn't pack any shirts or jackets, just shoes, a few pairs of pants he had stolen from his father, and his clarinet. He also stole his mother's wedding ring and pawned it to buy a music stand. By this time, Shirtless' parents were seriously pissed at him. They tried to stop him from going to camp by tying him to the bed. However, Joe Heavens came over and told Shirtless' parents to untie him, because God was on Shirtless' side.

* * *

On the first day of band camp, Shirtless nearly got _Alohaed*** _for inappropriate shirt-wearing. His counselor, Ke$h3****, gave him a "first warning". Ke$h3 was an awesome French Horn player with a passionate hatred of all English Horn players. He had an odd way of talking, a fancy haircut, an expensive, glossy instrument, and was basically the coolest person Shirtless had ever met. But this didn't stop Shirtless from being upset over his warning.

"A first warning?!" cried Shirtless, dismayed. Nearly _Alohaed _on the first day, after all the work he had done to get here?

"Yup," said Ke$h3. "Yup, yup, yup, yupppppppppppp."

Shirtless reluctantly wrapped a towel around his torso, making a face as he did so.

***The rebels had burned down the old cathedral.**

****Not Miami, FL... Miami, France. (Not that that's a place that actually exists.)**

*****Band camp lingo for "kicked out".**

******Fanfiction won't let me put in the 'less than' sign. Ke$h3's name should have a 'less than' sing by it (to make a heart). His name should be pronounced like Ke$ha, minus the "a", + "less than 3", or "Kesh-less-than-three".**

**A/N: The real part that relates to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory starts next chapter. I swear. :D**


	3. Chapter 3: The Contest

**Chapter 3: The Contest**

_**A year previously...**_

The 5-W factory was always trying to find ways to promote their many odd chocolates and other candies. Wee Willy Winky Wo-Wo, the CEO and founder of the 5-W corporation and Wo-Wo chocolates, decided there should be a contest.

"A contest?!" said J. Jefferson, Wee Willy Winky Wo-Wo's adviser. "What would that do?"

Wee Willy Winky said nothing.

"A contest wouldn't help us," continued J. Jefferson.

"It would," said Winky. "We could give away stuff. People like stuff."

J. Jefferson rolled his eyes. "Sure. What kind of contest exactly?"

"Well," said Wee Willy Winky, thinking hard, "it wouldn't be a contest exactly. We would take 5 chocolate bars and fill them with a golden ticket. Whoever gets the tickets – kids only, mind you – comes to the Wo-Wo chocolate factory for some awesome tests of ability. Whoever wins gets a lifetime supply of free Wo-Wo chocolates and the company when I die."

"So... just like _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,_ then?" asked J. Jefferson, a bemused look on his face.

"What are you talking about?" said Winky, his eyebrows knitting together in confusion. "This is a completely original idea."

"You've never heard of Roald Dahl?"

"Who the heck is a rolled doll?" said Winky. "I'm a chocolate genius. I don't deal with toys."

"Fine," said J. Jefferson. "Do whatever the heck you want."

So Wee Willy Winky Wo-Wo sent five extra-special bars of gold-ticket chocolate all throughout France. Three ended up at Triplet Clouds Friends Camp. One ended up out in the middle of nowhere in rural France. And one ended up at Triplet Clouds Enemy Camp. It was marked with a special post-it-note on it: _give to a foosball player._

Oh, Winky had plans. Great plans for the future of France and the Rebellion and his excellent Chocolate Factory...


End file.
